Sleep Training Not Working: Why I Go Against the Rules

Sleep Training Worked Then Stopped

Is sleep training not working for you and your little one?

I used to be in the same boat…

Know that there are other healthy, safe options to have a peaceful house of sleep!

As a new mom who didn’t want to mess up, I read a lot of parenting books, many of them on sleep. Sleep training makes a lot of sense; who wouldn’t want their child to fall asleep independently and be able to self-soothe if they wake in the middle of the night?

After all, that is an important skill to have…But, in my small six years of parenting two littles, I have learned that there is definitely more than one way to do something. That every child truly is unique. That there is no one size fits all approach to getting a restful night of sleep.

And that mama knows best. Even if doctors, or sleep coaches, or books tell you otherwise…

With a daughter who has chronic sleep issues and a younger son who doesn’t, I have learned following your intuition is most important.

Side note: If you have a toddler waking up at night, or if your baby is climbing out of the crib, the links here are the solutions I personally had success with for my children.

This post contains affiliate links, which means I may receive a small commission, at no cost to you, if you make a purchase through a link.

Society’s Pressure to “Do It Right”

There is a lot of pressure (and judgement) to follow popular sleep training rules to get kids sleeping independently. It also is oddly a bragging opportunity for some…making the tired, stressed mamas worry even more.

In our house, we did have solid sleep routines. Our children did fall asleep independently. But, somewhere along the way, bedtime became stressful. It became a time of anxiety for all. It became a period where our kids found every excuse imaginable to get us to come back into the room.

And that is when it dawned on me–bedtime should be a place of enjoyment, a place of relaxation and comfort–not a source of stress. Going to bed should be something our children look forward to.

Bedtime is not just about getting to sleep. It is about connection and feeling secure. That is why I lay with my children every night until they fall asleep.

Letting Go of Sleep Training Rules

Before adopting this approach, I was actually very committed to the Baby Wise method (before the author and this method became controversial).

I was so hell-bent on following the rules that I sleep trained my firstborn at just 8 weeks old. Later, we learned she has a few chronic sleep disorders (not because of Baby Wise), and falling asleep independently only exacerbated everything.

It wasn’t until, out of pure exhaustion, that I gave up on the sleep training and realized that letting go of the rules released pressure on everyone.

When we relaxed and let sleep happen naturally, we found that it meant falling asleep together. My children each have their own bedroom, and my husband and I take turns laying with them until they fall asleep.

Something to note…falling asleep for a healthy individual (young or old) should take less than 20 minutes. When I say I am laying with my kids until they fall asleep, it is not a long process.

If this is not the same for you, consider changing the time you put your little one(s) to bed, or ask your pediatrician for tips.

The Comfort of Presence

When I lay next to my children, I feel their little bodies relax, their breathing slow, and their worries from the day melt away. It’s in these quiet moments that they open up the most–sharing their thoughts, fears, and joys that they didn’t share earlier in the day.

I do not see laying with my kids until they fall asleep as a crutch. I see it as a privilege. It is my most favorite part of the day. We get to unwind together, and they relax knowing that I am with them. Plus, I relax too, knowing that they are peacefully falling asleep.

The Bond We Are Building

Some day, my children won’t want or need me to lay with them at bedtime. I believe they will gradually and naturally evolve to sleeping independently as they get older. Just like they learned to walk, talk, and feed on their own, they will eventually sleep on their own when they are ready.

Until then, I will cherish these moments. The sleepy snuggles and whispered, “I love yous” are moments I won’t ever get back. I believe laying with my kids until they fall asleep fosters trust and security.

For more on this, read The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (And Your Children Will Be Glad That You Did).

Additionally, my children do not call for me in the middle of the night if they wake. Many sleep experts claim that laying with your children until they fall asleep hinders their ability to self soothe in the middle of the night. However, that is not true in our household.

The Positive Side to Sleep Training Not Working

While it was a bumpy and tired road initially with sleep, I am so grateful I stopped having my children fall asleep independently. It may not be what sleep experts recommend, but it is what works in our house.

I love our bedtime routine now, and I know my children do, too. With sleep training not working in our home, a better pathway–that is so much more special–unfolded.

We have a structured bedtime routine that creates moments I will forever cherish, and I know my kids will look back at it fondly.

If you would like more evidence that supports why sleep training is not working for you, read 10 Reasons We Don’t Use ANY Sleep Training, by My Connected Motherhood.

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